Not Tonight, Honey: Wait 'til I'm a Size 6

Humor & Entertainment

Reinhardt, Susan

Humor

Kensington Pub. Corp

Susan Reinhardt takes the naked, honest truth and sets it on fire in a blaze of laughter. Boldly, brazenly, and hilariously, she says what only the brave dare to think. --Laurie Notaro Like an edgier, naughtier, southern-bred Erma Bombeck, award-winning columnist Susan Reinhardt has made diehard fans of fellow writers and newspaper readers across the country with her wickedly skewed reports from the trenches of American family life. In this collection of never-before-published essays and stories, she takes her uncensored trademark wit just a little further than ever before--with hilarious and poignant results. From telling off a too-perfect sorority sister twenty years later to going public with her "grumpy vagina"; from facing down those who would judge her in a mall ladies' room to eulogizing her beloved smokin' granny, Reinhardt cuts straight to the heart of the sublime, the ridiculous--and the saggy--realities of being a working wife, mother, and certified slave to a culture that worships women who sport thighs the size of her upper arms. "Susan Reinhardt takes the naked, honest truth and sets it on fire in a blaze of laughter. Boldly, brazenly, and hilariously, she says what only the brave dare to think." --Laurie Notaro "Surgical patients should forgo reading this book until all sutures are completely healed. Susan Reinhardt is a riot!"--Jill Conner Browne "Funny, wise, and warm. . .from sidesplitting to achingly tender." --Celia Riverbank "Hilarious, captivating. . .no one is more accomplished at the fine Southern art of storytelling than Susan Reinhardt."--Ronda Rich Susan Reinhardt is a syndicated columnist and feature writer whose work has appeared all over the world in major newspapers such as the Washington Post, London Daily Mirror, Newsday, and other Tribune Media and Gannett publications. Reinhardt has won dozens of awards for her writing, including several Best of Gannett honors and a Pulitzer nomination. A long-time volunteer fundraiser for Hospice, the United Way, the American Lymphoma and Leukemia society, the PTO and other worthwhile and not so worthwhile causes, Reinhardt is also a proud member of the Not Quite Write Book Club, a group of ten women who drink wine and pretend to act literary. A true Daughter of the South, Susan Reinhardt was born in South Carolina, was raised in Georgia and currently makes her home in Asheville, North Carolina, the jewel city of the Blue Ridge Mountains. She has two adorable children and still calls her mama every night.

Not Tonight, Honey: Wait 'Til I'm A Size 6

Kensington

The Southern Belle's answer to David Sedaris -Karin Gillespie "She's like a modern-day, southern-fried Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry" -Booklist Aimed at anyone with a funny bone, these all new stories and essays by Gannett-syndicated columnist Susan Reinhardt tackle domestic life, particularly of the Southern persuasion, with sidesplitting observations and searing confessions. Reinhardt candidly lets readers into her world as she goes mano a mano with her Bubba of a husband-and occasionally her mother. From discovering she's getting a dreaded "front fanny" to revealing her husband's experiments with a Norelco shaver and their Pomeranian pooch, Reinhardt scrapes bare the bedrock truth about married life and love. She also poignantly shares her struggles with a depression that secretly plunged her downward and her reaction to the unexpected helping hands that pulled her up. Totally uncensored and blisteringly honest, Reinhardt is all heart-and a storyteller to savor and remember. "So engaging. . . so honest . . . will make you laugh out loud" -The Asheville Citizen-Times "Like hanging out with your bluntest, most mischievous friend, the one who never fails to crack you up" -Chicago Sun-Times "Funny and touching . . . Reinhardt is not afraid to put it all out there" -The Pilot N.C. "Susan Reinhardt takes the naked, honest truth and sets it on fire in a blaze of laughter . . . will have you holding your sides the whole time" -Laurie Notaro, Autobiography of a Fat Girl "She can break your heart in one sentence and leave you laughing till you're breathless in the next" -Julie Cannon, True Love &amp; Homegrown Tomatoes Susan Reinhardt is a syndicated columnist and feature writer whose work has appeared all over the world in major newspapers such as the Washington Post, London Daily Mirror, Newsday, and other Tribune Media and Gannett publications. Reinhardt has won dozens of awards for her writing, including several Best of

Don't Sleep with a Bubba: Unless Your Eggs are in Wheelchairs

Kensington Trade

"She's like a modern-day, southern-fried Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry." --Booklist
Is the brand sticker still affixed to your sauté pan? Is your wok used solely as a receptacle for potato chips? Does your blender only see the light of day when Baccardi or Tequila is involved?
If so, then welcome to the Kitchen Virgin Club. But don't despair--you're in the illustrious company of Susan Reinhardt: syndicated columnist, spokeswoman for skewed southern bellehood. . .and one truly lousy cook. In this cleaver-sharp new collection of food stories, culinary missteps, and recipes from yummy to yucky, Reinhardt comes clean--way clean--as the unapologetic product of a long line of talented, fascinating, funny women who have regular brushes with homicide by pot roast. From "The Toaster Oven is a Bee-otch" to "When Road Kill Makes it to Mikasa," as well as the titular tale of the socialite who shaved her fuzzy greens, these stranger-than-fiction accounts will have you laughing until milk spews out of your nose. And for those inspired to graduate from Kitchen Virgin to Kitchen 'Tute, there's "Bone Apple Cheat!"-- Reinhardt's own shortcut-to-real-food recipes. So next time you're tempted to make Taco Bell your last (okay, first) resort, crack open this book, have a laugh. . .and get cookin'.
"So engaging. . .so honest. . .will make you laugh out loud." --The Asheville Citizen-Times
"Like hanging out with your bluntest, most mischievous friend, the one who never fails to crack you up." --Chicago Sun-Times
"Funny and touching. . .Reinhardt is not afraid to put it all out there." --The Pilot (N.C.)
"Susan Reinhardt takes the naked, honest truth and sets it on fire in a blaze of laughter. . .will have you holding your sides the whole time." --Laurie Notaro, Autobiography of a Fat Girl
"She can break your heart in one sentence and leave you laughing till you're breathless in the next."--Julie Cannon, True Love &amp; Homegrown Tomatoes
Susan Reinhardt is a syndicated columnist and feature writer whose work has appeared all over the world in major newspapers such as the Washington Post, London Daily Mirror, Newsday, and other Tribune Media and Gannett publications. Reinhardt has won dozens of awards for her writing, including several Best of Gannett honors and a Pulitzer Prize nomination. A long-time volunteer fund-raiser for Hospice, the United Way, the American Lymphoma and Leukemia Society, the PTO and other worthwhile and not so worthwhile causes, Reinhardt is also a proud member of the Not Quite Write Book Club, a group of ten women who drink wine and pretend to act literary. A true Daughter of the South, Susan Reinhardt was born in South Carolina, was raised in Georgia, and currently makes her home in Asheville, North Carolina, the jewel city of the Blue Ridge Mountains. She is married to jazz musician Stuart Reinhardt and has two adorable children. She still calls her mama every night.

Dishing with the Kitchen Virgin

Cookbooks, Food & Wine

Cooking Education & Reference

Newspaper columnist Reinhardt has put together a collection of anecdotes and tales that ranges from side splitting to achingly poignant. She's like a modern-day, southern-fried Erma Bombeck or Dave Barry, and her tales of the ordinary will resonate with women everywhere. Meet her husband, Tidy Stu, who won't let her have bed skirts or load the dishwasher; her grandmother, who insists she doesn't smoke as she hides the lit evidence in her apron pockets; and her mother, a true southern lady and "double virgin". Laugh as Susan, determined to get her children a dog despite Tidy Stu's objections, purchases a nursing dachshund in a parking lot; hold back the tears as her mother comforts her through a miscarriage and as she leaves her son on his first day of school. Readers of all stripes will find themselves relating to Susan and thoroughly enjoying these, by turns, raunchy and tear-inducing real-life stories.

Not Tonight, Honey: Wait 'Til I'm a Size 6

Kensington Publishing Corporation

Eighty-four seconds can change your life. Or destroy it. Josie Nickels is an Emmy-winning news anchor, poised to rise through the ranks of television journalism. On a bitter March evening on live TV, the pressures and secrets burbling behind the closed doors of her ridiculous Victorian mansion explode and the overwhelmed journalist spills family secrets like a Baptist at altar call. The aftermath costs her much more than a career. It robs her of a beloved son--a preppy, educated millennial trapped in the deadly world of addiction. Desperate for a new start and a way to save her son, Josie packs up her pride, her young daughter, and accepts a new job slinging cosmetics at a department store make-up counter with other disgraced celebs. In the gorgeous mountains of Asheville N.C., known for hippies, healings, and Subarus, Josie is faced with a choice for her son: Take a chance on a bold, out-of-the-ordinary treatment plan for her son or lose him forever. This heart-wrenching and, at times, hilarious novel, will delight fans of book-club women's fiction and inspire and give hope to those with addicted sons and daughters.&nbsp;

The Beautiful Misfits

Literature & Fiction

United States

Regal House Publishing

Most people think the reason Dee Millings married the best looking man in the Carolinas, who turned out to be a complete psycho and near-murderer, is because she was raised all wrong. Dee, a 38-year-old heroine to root for, sets out on a path winding with loveable kooks, wanting to prove there is a great life on the other side of tragedy and a crazed ex behind bars who continues to mail threatening letters from prison. Her new adventure begins two years after the crime spree that nearly stopped her heart and left her flat-lining. She packs up her two young kids and settles in her parents’ South Carolina hometown where she deals with a delightful, but over-the-top mama who pretends her grown daughters are virgins. Dee finds new purpose for herself and her children, discovering joy in places she never expected it: in a nursing home where she tends to the likes of 104-year-old Annie Sue who still drives and has a hankering for cold draft beer. Offering heaps of comic relief, Dee’s Aunt Weepie lives to crash funerals just to get the covered-dish meals after the gravesides, no matter she has no idea who’s in the coffins. Her antics lead her to making a daring decision that could change Dee’s life forever. As Dee begins a journey toward recovery and becoming a registered nurse, a dark secret resurfaces, one that if handled right, could be her ticket to allow herself to love again.

Chimes from a Cracked Southern Belle

Grateful Steps

Humor & Satire

Independently published

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